Things can’t really get you out of something or into something. Nobody can make you successful or a failure. Nothing pushes you into depression or get out of it. It’s all you. What choices you make. Apparently, IT IS ALL IN THE BRAIN.
Sitting at my desk as usual, I watch positive affirmation videos to bring back the ‘good mood’ back from the frustrated self. I got a promotion and today was the first day I was going to the office after the promotion. Last night, I decided I would wake up early and put the besan haldi face mask, wash my hair without melting under the shower and dress my best in the usual blacks.
My office starts at 9 A.M.
I woke up at 8:30 AM.
I had rushed to the office on day one after my promotions with a dangerous glare in my eyes instead of ambition. Therefore, I watch positive affirmation videos to bring back the ‘good mood’ back from the frustrated self.
A man, dressed in all black with an American tourist side bag enters my room. I take my earphone out and look at the clock, it’s 10:30 A.M. He should’ve been here by 9:15 A.M. As he asks me if he can come in, I look at him. I actually look at something with so much attention after a long, long time. Shamelessly, I see him from top to bottom. His hands full of beads, bag hung sideways across his body instead of being hung on the side, black and silver small earring dangling on his ears. His lashes were longer than the false lashes women use and his jawline could cut carrots. Lips, plump. Skin, burnt brown and beautiful. His eyes, unlike mine, have ambition, love and kindness in them. They are as big as mine but not as empty as mine. As I tell him to come in, he walks looking here and there , as if to show he didn’t see my big eyes but he knows he is fooling himself by thinking this. He has just joined the office as a writer for our pictorial content and I am his point of contact. He talks about his future publication house and his big goals. As he talks, I see his eyes from a closer point, only to notice that the ambition, love and kindness are present, but in a cage. I remember seeing this in my eyes this morning. He tells me he is a health freak. He loves taking care of himself.
“I can see that.” I say seeing his moisturised arms holding 2 handkerchiefs that he had tied on his face while riding here.
I have an actual conversation after a long time. I talk after ages. I think it’s visible in my voice. I think he notices. Everything is going good and then he says, “I smoke.”
We have an eye contact for the first time, even if it is a short one. In that moment I see some pride in his eyes. I don’t really care that he smokes even if I am totally against it. What matters to me is that pride in his eyes that he has for being a smoker.
“I am a health freak,” he said.
‘I smoke,” he said.
“He is abstract.” I think.
After feeling nothing for a while, I feel a pinch in my heart when he says so. I feel sad instead of bad. It hurt.
We start with our work and are turning out to be the best team in the office. My pictures and his words. Though I do tell him to never smoke when I am around.
One day, as usual during the break time, we have our conversation on random stuff.
“You are a perfect guy. Only if you didn’t smoke.”
“I don’t really mind your smoking but I can see what it has done to you. A man like you who is filled with enough love and kindness to share with the world feels emotionally caged to me. I think smoking is the reason. But I see the real you, you know. So kind. So helpful. You see good in the worst.” I say the last line thinking how he saw the best team mate in the worst person like me.
“But why does it matter to you anyhow?”
“It hurts actually. To see a person who has so much potential not use it. You are so good and so lucky to have all these skills. Why do you cage yourself? Why do you stop yourself? Let it out. You are so good, anything that comes out of you will be the best and unique.”
“You are a perfect girl you know. Only if you didn’t cut.”
He had seen my cuts. Shit.
“I don’t really mind what you do but I felt your energy. I have seen your eyes. Your eyes are so deep, I get lost into them. I have never seen a girl like you. A girl like you deserves the world but I feel like you don’t think the same. I think these cuts just remind you of your unworthiness. But I have seen the real you. So joyful, sweet, gentle and extremely ambitious.”
I realise I am all of this when he is around. Maybe this is the real me, the me under the dark shadow that has taken over my brain, heart and soul.
“How does it matter anyhow. Everything is going good anyways.”
“It hurts actually. It hurts.”
As he says this, I feel a rush in my heart. I feel what he is saying because I feel like that for him. I fell the pain he goes through when he sees my cuts. I realise why he smokes.
That day, we both realise how both of us are venting ourselves out through our addictions.
How we both are addicted to death.
This is a fictitious piece. Third part. One more to come. I’m sure the entire story will have you more aware than before. I’m sure you’ll get more context if you read (click) PART 1 HERE and (click)PART TWO HERE.
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